Friday, September 18, 2009

An E Mail I Got Today

> Dave Barry is a Pulitzer Prize-winning humor columnist for the Miami
> Herald.
> Colonoscopy Journal:
> I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an
> appointment for a colonoscopy.
> A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a color diagram of the
> colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one
> point passing briefly through Minneapolis.
> Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough,
> reassuring and patient manner.
> I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he said,
> because my brain was shrieking, 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET
> I left Andy' s office with some written instructions, and a
> prescription for a product called 'MoviPrep,' which comes in a box
> large enough to hold a microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in
> detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must never allow it to
> fall into the hands of America's enemies..
> I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous.
> Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation. In
> accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food
> that day;
> all I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less
> flavor.
> Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix two packets of
> powder together in a one-liter plastic jug, then you fill it with
> lukewarm water. (For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a liter
> is about 32 gallons). Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes
> about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind -
> like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of
> lemon.
> The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great
> sense of humor, state that after you drink it, 'a loose, watery bowel
> movement may
> result.'
> This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may
> experience contact with the ground.
> MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic, here,
> but, have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This is pretty much
> the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times when
> you wish the commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty
> much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate
> everything. And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you
> have to drink another liter of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell,
> your bowels travel
> into the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.
> After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep.
> The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous.
> Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been
> experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage. I was
> thinking, 'What if I spurt on Andy?' How do you apologize to a friend
> for something like that? Flowers would not be enough.
> At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood
> and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said. Then they led
> me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a
> little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those
> hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you
> put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually
> naked..
> Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand.
> Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was
> already lying down. Eddie also told
> me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep..
> At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this, but then I
> pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to
> the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode.
> You would have no choice but to burn your house.
> When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into
> the procedure room,
> where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist. I did not
> see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there
> somewhere. I was seriously nervous at
> this point.
> Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the anesthesiologist began
> hooking something up to the needle in my hand.
> There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was
> 'Dancing Queen' by ABBA. I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs
> that could be playing during this particular procedure, 'Dancing Queen'
> had to be the least appropriate.
> 'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from somewhere behind me.
> 'Ha ha,' I said. And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading
> for more than a decade. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself,
> because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was
> like.
> I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment, ABBA was
> yelling 'Dancing Queen, feel the beat of the tambourine,' and the next
> moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood.
> Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt
> excellent. I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that It was
> all over, and that my colon had passed with flying colors. I have never
> been prouder of an internal organ.
> On the subject
> of Colonoscopies...
> Colonoscopies are no joke, but these
> comments during the exam were quite humorous..... A physician claimed
> that the following are actual comments made by his patients
> (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies:
> 1. 'Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone
> before!'
> 2. 'Find Amelia Earhart yet?'
> 3. 'Can you hear me NOW?'
> 4. 'Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?'
> 5. 'You know, in Arkansas , we're now legally married.'
> 6. 'Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?'
> 7. 'You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out...'
> 8. 'Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!'
> 9. 'If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!'
> 10. 'Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.'
> 11. 'You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?'
> 12. 'God, now I know why I am not gay.'
> And the best one of all:
> 13. 'Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up
> there?'

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