Choose your own adventure Bible stories #1

"And the Lord God said, it is not good that the man should be alone; I will make you a helpmeet for you. And the Lord God caused a deep sleep to fall on you, and you slept, and he took one of your ribs, and closed up the flesh instead thereof; and the rib which the Lord God had taken from you, made he a woman, and brought her unto you. And you said, This is now bone of my bone and flesh of my flesh: she shall be called Woman, because she was taken out of me. Therefore shall a man leave his father and mother, and shall cleave unto his wife, and they shall be one flesh. The next morning you wake up.

What do you do?

(click A,B or C)

A- Thank God and continue on as if everything was normal?

B- Moan and swear to God (and to the strange woman who appears) that you will never eat fermented fruit again as you rub your aching head. And blame it on the alcohol.

C- You say," Hey Eve...it would be awesome if you cooked some more of those ribs...I think I just discovered weed, too. Had some weird dreams about some old white dude with a beard that had control issues. I know... I'll make a fire later. We can eat some more rotten berries tonight and get this creation party started! "

The Jaw of Coulter

Anne Coulter, the right wing republican who loves nothing more than to spout out her biased opinion on how the entire world should convert to Christianity or die.

Famous for these opinions:

"[Clinton] masturbates in the sinks."---Rivera Live 8/2/99

"God gave us the earth. We have dominion over the plants, the animals, the trees. God said, 'Earth is yours. Take it. Rape it. It's yours.'"---Hannity & Colmes, 6/20/01

The "backbone of the Democratic Party" is a "typical fat, implacable welfare recipient"---syndicated column 10/29/99

To a disabled Vietnam vet: "People like you caused us to lose that war."---MSNBC

"Women like Pamela Harriman and Patricia Duff are basically Anna Nicole Smith from the waist down. Let's just call it for what it is. They're whores."---Salon.com 11/16/00

Juan Gonzales is "Cuba's answer to Joey Buttafuoco," a "miscreant," "sperm-donor," and a "poor man's Hugh Hefner."---Rivera Live 5/1/00

On Princess Diana's death: "Her children knew she's sleeping with all these men. That just seems to me, it's the definition of 'not a good mother.' ... Is everyone just saying here that it's okay to ostentatiously have premarital sex in front of your children?"..."[Diana is] an ordinary and pathetic and confessional - I've never had bulimia! I've never had an affair! I've never had a divorce! So I don't think she's better than I am."---MSNBC 9/12/97

"I think there should be a literacy test and a poll tax for people to vote."---Hannity & Colmes, 8/17/99

"I think [women] should be armed but should not [be allowed to] vote."---Politically Incorrect, 2/26/01

"If you don't hate Clinton and the people who labored to keep him in office, you don't love your country."---George, 7/99

"We're now at the point that it's beyond whether or not this guy is a horny hick. I really think it's a question of his mental stability. He really could be a lunatic. I think it is a rational question for Americans to ask whether their president is insane."---Equal Time

"It's enough [to be impeached] for the president to be a pervert."---The Case Against Bill Clinton, Coulter's 1998 book.

"Clinton is in love with the erect penis."---This Evening with Judith Regan, Fox News Channel 2/6/00

"I think we had enough laws about the turn-of-the-century. We don't need any more." Asked how far back would she go to repeal laws, she replied, "Well, before the New Deal...[The Emancipation Proclamation] would be a good start."---Politically Incorrect 5/7/97

"If they have the one innocent person who has ever to be put to death this century out of over 7,000, you probably will get a good movie deal out of it."---MSNBC 7/27/97

"If those kids had been carrying guns they would have gunned down this one [child] gunman. ... Don't pray. Learn to use guns."---Politically Incorrect, 12/18/97

"The presumption of innocence only means you don't go right to jail."---Hannity & Colmes 8/24/01

"I have to say I'm all for public flogging. One type of criminal that a public humiliation might work particularly well with are the juvenile delinquents, a lot of whom consider it a badge of honor to be sent to juvenile detention. And it might not be such a cool thing in the 'hood to be flogged publicly."---MSNBC 3/22/97

"Originally, I was the only female with long blonde hair. Now, they all have long blonde hair."---CapitolHillBlue.com 6/6/00

"I am emboldened by my looks to say things Republican men wouldn't."---TV Guide 8/97

"Let's say I go out every night, I meet a guy and have sex with him. Good for me. I'm not married."---Rivera Live 6/7/00

"Anorexics never have boyfriends. ... That's one way to know you don't have anorexia, if you have a boyfriend."---Politically Incorrect 7/21/97

"I think [Whitewater]'s going to prevent the First Lady from running for Senate."---Rivera Live 3/12/99

"My track record is pretty good on predictions."---Rivera Live 12/8/98

"The thing I like about Bush is I think he hates liberals."---Washington Post 8/1/00

On Rep. Christopher Shays (d-CT) in deciding whether to run against him as a Libertarian candidate: "I really want to hurt him. I want him to feel pain."---Hartford Courant 6/25/99

"The swing voters---I like to refer to them as the idiot voters because they don't have set philosophical principles. You're either a liberal or you're a conservative if you have an IQ above a toaster. "---Beyond the News, Fox News Channel, 6/4/00

Leave the vitriol and the rhetoric to the professionals, I say! She is good at what she does and has my respect as an artist. But back in November of 2008, when I found out she had an accident and had to get her jaw wired shut, I couldn't help but write a song. I didn't want to release it in context, because that would make too much sense to her. I waited for the vitriol rhetoric to take spotlight, itself, so that Ann Coulter would be out of context. That way this song would seem wrong and insensitive. Which is exactly the intention. I have never met the lady. If I did, I would shake her hand like anyone. But when it comes to vitriolic spiteful rhetoric, she is teaching the children well. So this song is for her, always...

(In the genre of Heavy Mellow/Scottish Funk)

The Jaw Of Coulter by Uncle Samurai

Slow Grind

It is an era of hyper-instant-gratification. Technology has erased all my friends phone numbers from my head. WTF? I used to know them by heart. In fact, my friends use to ask me for their numbers when they were drunk. Now...it's different. Everything has sped up. Language is getting chopped into acronyms because we are too lazy to spell. I remember rotary phones. And I could probably send out 3 texts in the time that it takes the rotary dial to duh,duh,duh,duh,duh back from the number 9. But have things improved with the speed of technology? The answer is, pardon my french...fuck no they haven't. To quote Louis CK, the comedian, "Everything is amazing and nobody's happy."

So...

If you are like me and prefer quality to quantity, then this song is for you.

Because good things take time. So have patience with your Slow Grind...in this amazing era.

And good luck!

Slow Grind by Uncle Samurai

This message has been approved by

your friendly cyberhood (and sometimes vitriolic and rhetorical)

Uncle Samurai

Spandex Cycle Girls mp3

Respect and praises to all the ladies who ride. Everybody could use a theme song now and then...

01 Spandex cycle girls by Uncle Samurai